This is my forum to talk about everything important. There's rants, movies, gossip, celebrities, and lots of sex talk.
If you should be offended, or get pissed off at anything I say, I'm sorry in advance.
You can take solace in knowing that I'm probably going to hell since I'm an Atheist.....and because I just fed dead baby seals to the hooker I have chained to my water heater.
Kisses!
Sunday night is when it all begins. Some of the finest, most well honed athletes this world has ever seen will be taking the field for an epic event that could leave an imprint on the history books. For nearly two weeks the news feeds have been buzzing with rumor, sides have been taken, and battle lines have been drawn. Whatever team you want to win, whichever athlete is your favorite, one thing is clear; no matter who wins on the field, we all win at home. For we get to watch these teams competing at the highest level.
I am talking, of course, about Puppy Bowl VI. For the past six years Animal Planet has broadcast this legendary event, which has pitted rival breeds against one another on Canine Field. This showdown features “tackles, puppy penalties, and fido first-downs.” It is a spectacle not to be missed by anyone. And for the first time, these puppies will be seen in high definition so we won’t miss a minute of the puppy action.
Who wants to see grown men playing grab ass and slamming into one another when we can see Cody, the American cocker spaniel, take on Mrs. Roper, the Labrador retriever mix? Whoa! I don’t know about you, but according to my sources. Cody and Mrs. Roper have had it out for one another ever since Cody crapped in Mrs. Roper’s lawn. Talk about tense. I haven’t been able to sleep in days. And it’s been long rumored that this could be Cody’s last year pounding the puppy tundra. The reporters all season have been saying he’s lost a step and is getting along in doggy years.
And who could forget about the amazing come from behind victory dubbed, “The hydrant”. This was the incredible underdog , come from behind victory, perpetrated by Kimmie the beagle. Just when it looked like Puppy Bowl favorite, Bruin, the Alaskan Malamute, was well on his way to victory an unfortunate “puppy accident” occurred. The penalty flag was thrown for making a “bad Bruin!” on the field of play, thus allowing Kimmie to squeak out a victory. No matter how many times I see the replay, I am still amazed by this performance.
As if the promise of puppy athletes weren’t enough, we have the famed Bissell Half-time Kitty show. Fuck “The Who”. Fuck Victoria’s secret. It’s all about kittens, balls of yarn and that tower thing where cats can run and jump while scratching their kitty paws.
So throw away those foam fingers and get your foam Paw. I’ll be right there doing beer bongs every time Tucker, the little yorky, does something cute. I’m sure I’ll be plenty drunk judging from his cute little face. Yes he is! It’s a cute Tucker! Da’s a good boy! Yes he is!………..yeah. Sorry, about that.
This is one of the greatest pictures I have ever seen. This man should be applauded for his wonderfully inspiring actions and statues should be built in his honor.
Not only did this man drive his car while standing half way out of the sunroof, but he did it 15 times!! 15 times wearing sunglasses! This super awesome human being knew where the security cameras were and embarked on his own creative protest of the speed cameras riddling his fare state of Arizona.
We commend you you unnamed protester! You and Rosa Parks are one and the same.
For the last election I was compelled to vote Democrat. Not because I have always allied myself with the Democratic party but because, this time, the opinions, ideals, and goals most closely matched my own than did those of the Republican party. To me it was so cut and dry. It was hard for me to wrap my head around people not agreeing with such seemingly simple topics such as universal health care, gun control, or abortion. I found myself mocking these right wingers and called them everything from, “religious retards”, to “fucking idiots” and that they should be put down big game hunter style.
–Side note: I actually volunteered to ride in a Range Rover with a modified hood that housed a shooting chair that enabled me to systematically rid middle america of this infestation of Republican idiocracy. I was to wear a safari hat, a white mustache, and smoke a pipe, while shouting, “good show” to any republican lasting more than an hour after the hunt began.–
What I didn’t realize was how wrong and naive I was. Middle America had it right all along. Like a large collection of idiot savants they are actually smarter than us. We just couldn’t see it.
How could we be so stupid?
Let us take, for example, the hot button topic of birth control and abortion. I used to believe that two people that had a sexual accident would make it worse for themselves and society if they were forced to keep that child. I was a vehement advocate for such things as “the morning after pill”, condoms, and all other types of birth control. Hell, “pulling out” has not only prevented millions of pregnancies but created my favorite part of porn.
How much money would the government save if this country wasn’t filled with unfit parents creating unfit children? Sure the strip clubs would be empty, but the prisons would be emptier as well. Poverty would go down, crime would go down, and the world would be a much better place. Right?
Wrong. Dead wrong.
If contraception and safe sex was taught in school, along with the accepted last resort of abortion, we wouldn’t have perhaps the greatest gift that accidental pregnancy has given us:
The Jersey Shore
The intellectual right wing has taught us, through The Jersey Shore, many of the life lessons and morals that pilot my life.
The Situation
Lessons like: Physical Fitness. If I hadn’t heard Mike’s profound theories on keeping your body in shape I might become a flabby world of warcraft player with no friends, no tan, and no “Situation.”
Because, “Like, you gatta be doin at least an hour in the gym a day. Cause like, i’m gonna be doin like an hour and a half.”
Not since shakespere shed his mortal coil have such audible profundities been uttered.
And what about the horrific crime of violence? I used to pick two to three fights a day. Mostly with the homeless, elderly, and infantile but occasionally the handicapped as well. What changed it for me? Why the Jersey Shore of course.
Snookie
When I first saw a creature known simply as, The Snookie, get punched in the face by a scared citizen I laughed. Sure I’ll admit it. I laughed hard….and then I rewound the Tivo and played it in super slow mo. Then I called out for my roommates to come down stairs and we all laughed together. and then….sorry. I digress.
What I didn’t understand was compassion. You see it is never good to punch something that is different than you. It’s like when that poacher wanted to kill Harry in “Harry and the Henderson’s.” Even the Henderson’s were scared at first. They didn’t understand the yetti and thus the yetti was scary and therefore a threat. The Snookie is no different. Sure, she’s a scary, vial, orange, oompa-loompa-esqe, creature that was no doubt created in the pits of hell. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings. It took the Jersey Shore to teach me that. To learn compassion for those who are different and obviously handicapped.
I hope you will join me in learning this lesson as well.
But alas, the evergreen of life’s lessons don’t end there. How about those confused on topics of sex? It took the the mental musings of the well respected citizens Ronnie and Sammi to explain to those waiting with bated breath the “when’s” and “why’s” when it came to coitus. Just read the following example. Let your minds go blank and simply allow yourself to absorb the wisdom, via osmosis, when Sammi and Ronnie recount their love making.
Sammi -”Yes, I had sex. Like, hello? You’re gonna have sex if you’re into somebody. It’s natural.”
Ronni – “Yeah, we smooshed.”
Now I understand that such lingual ping-pong is reserved for those with MENSA grade IQ’s and we can’t expect Ronnie and Sammi to put their phrasing in laymans terms so I did my own digging.
Apparently the definition of “smoosh” is:
Smoosh (smŏŏsh)
-verbinformal
From the latin of coitus to “smoosh” is when a guido and guidette, “like have sex”, upon courting one another at the Jersey Shore. It is to be noted that such instances of sex may not be considered, “smooshing” should the male party not reveal his, “situation” before coitus is to occur. You must also be of italian decent, have zero dignity, blown out hair, a cancerous tan, and have the genetic makeup of a bonobo chimpanzee. Without these properties one cannot, “smoosh.”
So you see, Sammi and Ronnie have taught us what love truly is. I know now how to properly court a lady and when it is time to express, to that lady, my passion. I thank Sammi and Ronnie for that.
You should thank them too. For in just a few choice examples I have shown you how The Jersey Shore is not a pack of primative, “ought to have been abortions”, but a metaphor for what we all should aspire to be. They have provided us with entertainment, rules to live by, and the constant reminder that our lives could be much much worse.
We have the right winged, religous, conservatives to thank for all of this. Without them standing in the way of the Democratic agenda, abortions, contraception, and sex education would run rampant throughout our country. If that were the case we might never know what its like…
Ladies take note. This is what you should all aspire to be. She cooks, she cleans, she rubs my shoulders after a long days work……..well, im not sure if that’s true at all. What she does do more than makes up for anything that she might be missing.
This is the ultimate tough guy/dancer. He is a living, breathing, musical performance that comes to the rescue of a defenseless dame and then dances off to save/inspire countless others.
Ladies, this piece of exorcise equipment is for you. It is the absolute best for sculpting your arms…..and the most entertaining to watch you use. Once you master the single shake weight, make sure you use a second and utilize the two handed technique that comes naturally to all of you.
We’ve all met these people. Often times they are female with looks that can range from pterodactyl-esque to the smoking hot. You most likely dont hang out with this person too often unless you are trying to talk them into sex or they tag along with one of your secondary friends. They come in all colors and creeds. You never know when they will strike, but when they do they will be the rock in your shoe.
They are the Wet Blanket.
The Wet Blanket has distinct characteristics despite the fact that the physical appearance can vary so wildly. More often than not they are the quiet one. They have a somewhat disinterested look on their face and no drink in hand. They look like they do not want to be wherever they are unless the attention is squarley placed on them. They won’t participate in group activities and will most always, “want to go home” before you do. They are horrible, horrible, people that can most easily identified by the following phrase.
“I don’t need to drink to have fun.”
Here is the problem. WE NEED YOU TO DRINK TO HAVE FUN. If you don’t need a drink to have fun then why the hell is everyone at the party asking, “who brought that chick? She sucks.” You are a bummer of a person and no one wants you to be there. The only reason we tolerate you is, again, if you unfortunately came with someone we’re trying to have sex with or If you, yourself, are the person we’re trying to get to fellate us. That is the only reason we act remotely interested in your well being. Like a crying baby on an airplane we are counting down the minutes to your departure.
What is most disturbing about the Blanket is not their surly demenor, the constant watch checking, or the inevitable stink-eye that will come flying your way when they’ve had momentary break of attention from the friend that brought them.
What is most disturbing about the Blanket is the metamorphosis they will undoubtedly undergo. Like a shit catapillar at the beginning of the night they will ultimately transform into Satan’s Butterfly by the end.
Better known as: The Cock Block.
While “cock block” may sound like a good thing — i.e. your friend dives in front of you to stop a flying cock from taking you out — I assure you it is not. You will have little to no chance of having any sort of sex that night. The Cock Block, or Hand Grenade, as they are sometimes reffered will undoubtedly want to go home early and loudly declare this several times. We, the suitor, will recognize these cues and scramble wildly to find a friend drunk enough to attempt to dive on “the hand grenade” and thus be indebted to them for all time. The likely hood of this succeeding is remote at best.
The only possible option is to attempt to convince the target to convince the lawn gnome that it’s ok for her to go home without her. This, again, is likely to fail because all of a sudden the senses of the Sloth become accute. She now cares about her friends well being and thinks to herself, “Ooooh no. No fun will be had on my watch!” She will refuse to part from the girl you want, thus condeming your penis to a night of drunken RedTube.
There is no hope.
Therefore men, if you or anyone you know has any information leading to the arrest and capture of any known cock blocks, please call John Walsh immediately. He is standing by.
Women, if any of your friends are wet blankets/c-blocks, shun them immediately. Women are great at being horrible to other women, so do what you do best. After breaking up with them, walk to your bathroom, look yourself in the eye, and slap yourself in the face. You should be ashamed for having such a friend in the first place.
If you are, yourself, a cock block walk into your garage, turn your car on, roll down the windows, and wait. Someone will be there soon. Sweet dreams.
In conclusion, don’t let your lives be affected by these despicable people and don’t become one yourself. Put a drink in your hand, put a smile on your face, and act like your having fun. No one owes you anything so quit acting like it.
Watch this video below. It is a very serious and accurate representation of the beatings I used to take in high school. This is why I learned how to fight.
I will never get beat up by singing, dancing, gang members again! Take back the streets!
Some of you may know that I went to UFC 100. I was cornering my good friend Tom Lawlor who not only won his fight, but won the grand prize of submission of the night. Congrats Tom. It’s not him that was the most impressive part of the weekend. It wasn’t the fights, the girls, the parties, or any of the other debauchery.
What was the most impressive, and some may argue unbelievable, part of this weekend?
Oh yes, The Buffer 360. Some said it couldn’t be done. Most thought that it would never be tried.
I was gonna write a Transformers 2 blog about how much it sucked. It was 2.5 hrs of my life that I will never get back. The story goes nowhere, characters are introduced that mean nothing, and there are several scenes that could be completely cut out and it wouldn’t matter one bit with regards to advancing the “plot.” There are two racist robots that disappear in the middle of their big fight scene, Megan Fox has no role in this one (other than to be hot, which is fine with me), and Michael Bay hasn’t learned what congruence means. But other than that, it sucked.
I digress though. I have more pressing matters to attend to.
Let’s talk about Michael Jackson. I’m already over it. He was good twenty years ago and since then has “transformed” into a paper mache facsimile of his former self. He was a severely disturbed and tortured soul that endured an entire “childhood” of abuse and required perfection.
I am sorry for this. Deeply. His abuse was profound and affected every aspect of his life. However, I stop caring about a human being when their pathology begins to affect other people. At best he slept in the same bed with children and pretended to be a child. At worst he was a molester himself. Either way he had his own kids to attend to. They will never be normal even now that they can take their masks off and stop being called “Blanket.”
That’s how I look at it. If he molested any of those kids, may he rot in peace. If not, well, now his kids might have some semblance of a normal life……(very slight, “might.”)
Ps-don’t think I forgot about you Transformers 2. You’re not getting off that easy.
This is soooo awesome. What’s gonna be more awesome is the follow-up freak out after the kid realizes that a million people are laughing at his supreme douche-ness.
Can we all discuss for a second the awesomeness of George W. Bush? This, our 43rd President, happens to be our greatest. Our world will be forever changed because of his actions. And changed for the better, I might add. If he were here in front of me, it’s possible that I may fellate him. What he has done is just that great.
Let’s forget Iraq. Let’s forget that the world hates us. I need to discuss the economy. While many see this as a bad thing – a black eye if you will – it will be remembered as one of the greatest and most intricately planned operations this world has ever seen. I don’t even care about his swine flu plot anymore. Like a puppy that peed on the rug, I still love him.
Once again, I am talking about strippers. Oh yes, strippers.
It seems that this economic collapse has had a positive effect on the state of my penis. The amount of unemployed women has forced them into dire straits. They have been applying to a different type of job where, let’s say, the interview is a little different.
– from an article on newsmax.com “The tough job market is prompting a growing number of women across the country to dance in strip clubs, appear in adult movies or pose for magazines like Hustler.”
Like a meerkat reacts when the hawk flies away, my penis has peaked its head out of it’s dark home. It can go outside again. It has more choices now, and because of the circumstances, perhaps not all of these fine performance artists will have been touched by daddy at a young age.
Strip club enthusiasts rejoice!
I think we all owe George W. Bush a huge apology. It turns out he knew what he was doing all along. He made a plan and stuck to it despite all of the negativity. He knew that the answer to all our woes was more strippers and porn stars. When the pressure was on and no one believed in him he stuck to his guns and continued on a quest that only he was sure of. This admirable trait is one that we should all strive for.
I am starting the official campaign to have George Washington’s face replaced with George W. Bush’s on the one dollar bill. Because when it comes to strippers, what better way to honor our country’s greatest leader!
Barack has a lot to live up to now. The bar is set really high……or at least, shiny and vertical.
-Kisses!
Ps-The Magical Mankini is now on twitter. Twitter.com/magicalmankini
I am talking, of course, about Puppy Bowl VI. For the past six years Animal Planet has broadcast this legendary event, which has pitted rival breeds against one another on Canine Field. This showdown features “tackles, puppy penalties, and fido first-downs.” It is a spectacle not to be missed by anyone. And for the first time, these puppies will be seen in high definition so we won’t miss a minute of the puppy action.
We’ve all met these people. Often times they are female with looks that can range from pterodactyl-esque to the smoking hot. You most likely dont hang out with this person too often unless you are trying to talk them into sex or they tag along with one of your secondary friends. They come in all colors and creeds. You never know when they will strike, but when they do they will be the rock in your shoe.
I was gonna write a Transformers 2 blog about how much it sucked. It was 2.5 hrs of my life that I will never get back. The story goes nowhere, characters are introduced that mean nothing, and there are several scenes that could be completely cut out and it wouldn’t matter one bit with regards to advancing the “plot.” There are two racist robots that disappear in the middle of their big fight scene, Megan Fox has no role in this one (other than to be hot, which is fine with me), and Michael Bay hasn’t learned what congruence means. But other than that, it sucked.
